54 ways NOT to do kitchen renovations.

There is no room of the house that requires as much attention – and often as much money - as the kitchen when remodeling. It is one of the few rooms with plumbing. It is the room people use the most. It has perishable food. It has more cupboards and fixtures and "accessories" than any other room.

It stands to reason that with such a complex project, there are a treasure chest of ways that a person can totally screw up their kitchen renovations. To save you from such infamy, cost overruns and frustration, we have put together the top 54 ways not to renovate your kitchen (and, yes, most of these have actually been tried by real people who have lives - barely - to tell their tale):

1. Go budget free. It’s such a liberating feeling to renovate without the shackles of a budget. And don’t worry, the costs will all come due in the end, one way or the other.
2. Don’t bother with a backup plan. What could possibly go wrong? Who needs an "oops" budget?
3. Cut corners on materials. Who cares whether the hinges work smoothly and the drawers are strong? Think of all the money you’ll save (until you have to replace everything a year later).
4. Don’t prepare a temporary kitchen while the renovations are going on. You can live without a microwave or snacks for a week. Or a month. Or two or three.
5. If you doubt your ability to complete the project properly the first time… try, try again. Men don’t stop to ask for directions; why should they stop to ask for renovation help?
6. If you insist on blowing your money on a contractor, hire Crazy Bob, (you know that guy from the corner that wears a tinfoil hat and shouts obscenities at cats and small children), to draw your kitchen renovation designs.
7. Don’t bother asking a contractor for references. He looks honest, he’s a contractor (he even says so himself), so hire him.

Lighting and ventilation

8. Don’t plan the lighting in advance. You can always find something to fit in later. Somehow.
9. Use real pots for pot lights. A unique use for all those kitchen pots and pans that you don’t use.
10. If you don’t have any old pots, replace potted lights with flashlights. Think of the money you’ll save on your electric bill.
11. Don’t worry about ventilation. That’s just another complication you can do without.
12. Vent the kitchen fan to the kitchen. The recirculating smoke will give your kitchen a special atmosphere - that smoky bistro atmosphere.
13. Cut a hole in your ceiling. This is such an obvious way to save money on an exhaust fan. D’oh, why don’t more people do this.
14. Cut a hole for a skylight. If you want to save money on the skylight, leave the hole open and commune with nature right in your kitchen.
15. Tile your ceiling for easy cleanup. It’s funny how overly concerned everyone is about cleaning up spills from the floor. What about the ceiling?
16. Mix and match flooring. An all-tile floor is booo-oooring. For a nouveau-art look, do parts of the floor in tile, parts in wood and parts in chicken feathers.
17. Why not use tinfoil for the kitchen floor? It’s cheaper per square foot than for ceramic tile and cleanup is a breeze.
18. The more subfloors the better. Eventually the kitchen will disappear ½” at a time.
19. Always start with the floor. That way you'll enjoy a new, clean surface on which to do all that messy plumbing and sawing and hammering and cutting.

Kitchen cabinets and walls

20. Leave your dishes in the cupboards while renovating. This can be especially fun if you bet with other family members on how many items will remain unbroken when the renovations are complete.
21. Don’t measure the height of your cabinets. It’s no big deal if you have eight inches of useless space above your cabinets instead of inside them.
22. Ceiling hooks and plastic bags make great storage compartments. One of the reasons kitchens cost so much more to renovate than other rooms is the misguided overuse of cabinetry.
23. To change the look of your cabinets use wallpaper. It could become a trendy alternative to wood finish or paint.
24. In fact, just wallpaper everything, the ceiling, the floor, the cabinets and the appliances. That’s the spirit.
25. Save on wallpaper. You’ll find newspapers a handy substitute in abundant supply.
26. Rip out that wall! Ah, that feels good. Now you can check for wiring.
27. Don’t hire an electrician. Wiring is one of the most fun parts of home renovations. Especially in a room with plumbing. Why let some electrician have all the fun?
28. Drywall over the electrical outlets. This is a great timesaver, because measuring where to cut holes in drywall is a needlessly tedious step you want to avoid at all costs.
29. Leave a few open wall spaces where you can place food for critters. Give the mice a fighting chance. They don’t even have as much of a kitchen renovations budget as you do.
30. Cardboard works just as well as drywall. You probably didn’t know that, but it might be true.

Kitchen counters and plumbing

31. Kitchen islands are overdone. Be original and install a kitchen pond.
32. Use plywood for a countertop. Let’s face it, official countertops cost way more than you should pay, right?
33. Level? What level? Let nature takes its course. It’s the whole "keep it real" look that’s so popular these days. Real counters. Real floors. Real tables (Real mess.)
34. Hang on to all those useless things. They cluttered up the old kitchen; why not have them clutter the new kitchen, too?
35. One sink is enough. Who needs to wash and rinse at the same time? Plus you get more counter space to store more useless gadgets.
36. Replace the kitchen faucet with a garden hose. Let’s face it, faucets are pricey and not very long or flexible. And green is such a lovely color, don’t you think?
37. Install a toilet next to the sink. It’s a lovely combination. No, it’s convenient. No, I know…it’s a parody.
38. Let leaky pipes leak. Everyone loves wood rot and nobody likes having to fix leaky pipes.
39. Plumbers are overrated (and overpaid). You can do it yourself. Cut pipes and drains and cover up the unsightly mess. Ka-ching!

Kitchen appliances

40. Don’t measure the space available before buying an appliance. If the fridge doesn’t fit, you can always cut it down to size.
41. Don’t replace the broken down appliances. That old fridge can be used for dry storage.
42. Look for bright magenta appliances. They are sure to go well with any color scheme you come up with in the future.
43. Don’t worry about energy or water usage. Cool looking appliances and fixtures are the way to go. Let somebody else save the planet.
44. Place your stove on its own. You’ll only need a counter beside the stove on a rare occasion a few times a week.
45. Replace the oven with a George Foreman Grill. Ovens are so yesterday, like desktop computers. A George Foreman Grill packs up and goes anywhere, just like your laptop.
46. Details, details, details Fill your kitchen with accents, a different one in every corner. You can’t have too many little designs and knobs in a kitchen.

Kitchen renovation materials and tools

47. Never measure twice. In fact don’t even measure once. Measuring is for sissies. Surely you can see where that countertop should be cut.
48. Instead of a saw use a karate chop. This is a particularly creative way to entertain the whole family.
49. Don’t have a hammer? Use a rock. It’s the all-natural tool for the environmentally aware kitchen renovator.
50. Use wood from packing pallets or wooden skids. If you plan far enough ahead and save these when they are available, the savings can really add up.
51. Instead of nails use chewing gum. This is an especially creative way to reuse a product that otherwise has a very short lifespan.
52. Paint with used paint. If it’s moldy, you can start your own mushroom farm.
53. Instead of paint use crayons. You can do so much more artistically with crayons, and they will bring out your inner child.
54. Broken window? Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix. It’s also a great way to show off to guests how handy you are.

Whatever you do, don't have fun. No joking. No humming. No music playing. Kitchen renovations are serious business, and they are meant to be miserable work. Make sure you thoroughly unenjoy every minute of it.

If you follow the sage advice we have just offered, you a garanteed to have a disasterous kitchen renovation. In fact, you might even get your name into the Guiness Book of Word Records for "worst kitchen remodelling ever"!

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